carrying a tune

Cyclists' Apocrypha
In the beginning God created the bicycle, saw that it was good, then went for a nice Sunday
ride on the bike lanes He'd made the day before, and they were good, too, because they
were new and He had the angels keep them clear of debris. Later, of course,
God would get cross and have the flood wash all the good ones away.

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. Needing a fix
and armed with a dumbell spanner, a set of Allen keys
and an old toothbrush, I went out to score.
Simon Yeend confesses his dirty little secret

No Helmet for Me, Grazie
The bottle struck me full in the unprotected forehead.
I fell to the ground just as Don Sinistro's careful shot
passed through the air where I had just been.
Robert Rutkowski provides ammunition
for the anti-helmet brigade

The Quitter
There are some who will ride as long as God or whomever will let them.
I am such a person, as is Papa H., who will ride his Viking funeral chariot
down Killington in an incendiary blaze of faith and madness.
Bill Ketzer learns how to pray

No One Seems To Care That Area Man's Bike Was Stolen
"It's too bad that Dan's bike got swiped," friend Pete DiResta said,
"but you can only listen to him say, 'It was even locked up' so
many times before you want to choke him."
A newsflash from the Onion

The Lactic Acid Express
These lords of the mechanized jungle will occasionally ignore a lone
cyclist on the veldt. However, there's something about the sight
of an entire herd of racers that triggers their bloodlust.
Patrick O'Grady joins the peloton

Diary of a Reluctant Unicyclist
Unicycling is contrived. It hasn't developed for any other reason
than because some clown wanted to be a bit more wacky than
some other clown. Never liked 'wacky'.

Andy Dickson learns to ride half a bike

Are You a Real Cyclist?
Real cycling is not about gear ratios. Or wearing lycra the colour of
rainforest toads. O
r pedalling to the country pub in the sun, then
getting a taxi back because it's dark and raining.

Take Rob Ainsley's quiz and see how you rate

The Romance of Cecilia
She paused; she fidgeted; she stamped her heel;
She choked the rage she could not all conceal;
Then swung her wheel round with an evil grace,
And took that hill at a terrific pace.

A turn-of-the-century rhyme (to pass the time)

As he hitched himself back and forth there came a soft tapping
at the bedroom door. "Gregor," said a gentle voice, "are you awake?
Isn't it time you were up?"

David Eccles takes a page from Franz Kafka

The Feng Shui of Mountain Biking
Adverse or bad Ch'i flows in a straight line. Good Ch'i doesn't and can be made to
circulate around your bike. But any straight routes will allow good Ch'i to escape.
This is why riser bars feel better than flats even if they're geometrically identical
Mike Davis unlocks the secrets of an ancient discipline

A Post-Nuptial Agreement for Bicycle Riders
This agreement acknowledges that the forthcoming marriage is a legal arrangement
that accepts the perpetual continuity of a pre-existing relationship between
two parties, and that a three-way coexistence shall be created.

And bicycle makes three. Laying the legal groundwork for a ménage à trois.

Zen & the Art of Bicycle Maintenance
Apparently a true Zen Master never drops any little (and therefore crucial) bits
whilst fixing a bicycle. This ability to hold fifteen or so different shaped and tiny
bike part takes many years of silent meditation and study.

Gordon Stovin learns to keep some Zen sticks in his saffron apron

Beam Us Up
If you are ever attacked by aliens, do not cycle on the pavement to avoid them:
this is annoying to pedestrians and gives cyclists a bad name.

A newsgroup tackles an important issue

500 W. Madison
The bicycle courier is a direct descendent of the cowboys and the gauchos.
Their prestige traced to the matador. His bicycle is directly linked to the matador's
muleta. The bulls are larger and motorized. He attempts daring passes with the muleta.
Each pass is pure artistry. It is bravado and skilled deception all at once.

Courier stream-of-consciousness

How to be Safe
One of the main risks to life these days is death. By taking a few sensible
precautions, this unnecessary risk can be avoided; check the nearest
available exits, wear a cycle helmet, and assume the brace position.

Guy Browning was wearing a cycle helmet when he wrote this

A Bike History of Time
Ever since the earth started cooling from a molten ball it's been
creating and influencing the mountain bike world we know and ride through.

Guy Kesteven adds the bits Steven Hawking forgot

Taming the Bicycle
The bicycle had what is called the 'wabbles', and had them very badly.
In order to keep my position, a good many things were required of me,
and in every instance the thing required was against nature.
Mark Twain gamely straddles the learning curve

Doug the Bicycle Courier Finds God at Last
Over time, the awareness of the futility of human existence may well be bred out of the
race, leaving the existing population slightly dumber but slightly happier. Those who
survive will be able to cheerfully deny or ignore such unpleasant facts.
I had more
to say on the subject, but somehow it seems to have slipped my mind.
Dave Till's courier saga

A Death in the Family
Know my way round a bike. Build wheels. Do all the stuff needed to keep it off the road.
Even major component surgery. If I have to. But I'm not a slave to it. Blasé.
Wait till it needs it. Then just a bit longer. Which is usually too late.

Nick Wallis. Killed his bike. Everyone said
he was a quiet type. Kept to himself.

The Passion Considered as an Uphill Bicycle Race
There are fourteen turns in the difficult Golgotha course.
Jesus took his first spill at the third turn.
His mother, who was in the stands, became alarmed.
The gospel according to Alfred Jarry

A Cool and Logical Analysis of the Bicycle Menace
Bicycles are top-heavy, have poor brakes, and provide no protection to their riders.
Bicycles are also made up of many hard and sharp components which, in collision, can do
grave damage to people and the paint finish on automobiles. Bicycles are dangerous things.
Come on, P.J., hit us with your best shot

A Solstice Story
After years and years of constant service, the sun's trusty bicycle was in dire need of repair.
So, each night the sun would try to repair the bicycle and each morning the sun would rise
a little later and a little later. And rising later the sun would take a shorter route
across the sky, further to the south, so as to finish sooner.
Jeff Della Penna on why you should make
offerings to your bike mechanic

Cyclo-Math is an obscure branch of mathematics which describes phenomena
which defy all known axioms of Newtonian Physics, and Relativistic Bicycle Mechanics.
Cyclo-Math accurately describes paranormal phenomena cyclists encounter almost every ride.

Wade H. Nelson dusts the chalk from his hands

Splitting Up
At first I'd lusted over those striking looks, the air of danger and potential, the lateral stiffness,
the plush travel. It all seemed so right, carving the rocky descents, picking up lines
that were previously taboo, riding faster, longer and harder; heady days.
Alec MacHenry tries to rekindle the old passions

SCUL creates bikes that are difficult to control, damaging to knees, and painful to sit upon.
They are structurally unsound and easy to crash. We are test pilots of poorly designed
vessels. The single advantage that choppers have over other bikes is that they are
better at running over empty Burger King shake cups.

Philosophy and Creed from the
Subversive Choppers Urban Legion

Couch Bike
Pushing the pedals and cruising out of the neighbourhood, felt positively scintillating.
As he merged onto the busy parkway, a Leon's furniture truck honked his horn.
"Now that is customer service," thought Doug. "That delivery guy
remembers the day he brought this couch into my life."

The Riding Forth of Mr Hoopdriver
There is only one phrase to describe his course at this stage, and that is voluptuous curves.
He did not ride fast, he did not ride straight, an exacting critic might say he did not ride well.
But he rode generously, opulently, using the whole road and even nibbling at the footpath.
from 'The Wheels of Chance' by H G Wells

Cycle Lane
"Not Even as Long as Small Cycle"

The bike icon adorned stretch of colour-adapted tarmac measures 62cm in length.
It is controlled by four sets of traffic lights and is watched 24 hours a day by CCTV.
The Framley Examiner gets the scoop

Rare Ultra-Lightweight Supra Cycle for Sale
Be the first to own this fine example of urban design which has throughout the years
become part of our very culture. The ultra-thin profile gives excellent manoevrability -
getting you through almost any gap in traffic.

Dr Maturin's New Object
Once on deck, Stephen busied himself with the contraption, a small machine
that appeared to be no more than a few spars of iron, a length of chain and two small wheels.
"Mr Brompton has made it for me, a device to ease transport, both on board and when safely docked;
it can carry small loads and allow of the transportation of men with speed,
ease and silence; think of the uses for your raiding party."
Jolyon Patten channels Patrick O'Brian

The Belles-Lettres of Blovius
Of course, I immediately became lost. At one point I even washed up on Clapham Common,
where my father often found day employment washing small dogs in vats of broth.
Every road offered enthralling new vistas of freedom, subverting my sense of direction.
My fellow wheelmen and women were obviously a very fit breed.

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