20
QUESTIONS: THE CAMELOT EDITION
1000 Days of BikeReader
1.
This is the dawning of the Age of
Aquarius
Low Expectations
BikeReader
2.
This site went live 21 August, 2000. Do you remember what you were
doing that day?
Proposing something to somebody, but not marriage to a duck
Oh, I remember now! That's the day I leaped off the treadmill of my
dreary daily existence and -- no, sorry. That was the 22nd
Cycling around and around a village in Suffolk so fast it actually
reversed the flow of tim, like in Superman, but on a smaller scale,
thus enabling everyone to start the morning again with another nice
cup of tea, making me a hero, of sorts
The duck reference wasn't funny; I had an uncle who was sweet on a
mallard and they got on quite well after a fashion
3.
Are you better off now than you were four years ago?
My plan to control the world's supply of currant buns has not yet
been realised, but is that much closer to fruition, so in all honesty
I'd have to answer yes
Not if it still takes two to tango
The people are very nice here. I'll just go ask one of them if I'm
better
4.
Are you surprised that BikeReader is still around?
As long as somebody keeps paying the web host, why shouldn't it be?
No, but I'm mildly surprised I am
5.
Have you read all 500,000+ words the site has to offer?
It's hard to believe there are that many words. Surely some must be
repeats
I would but I'm standing at one of those public internet phone kiosks
and there's a line of impatient-looking people behind me
Still holding out for the movie tie-in
6. We're considering a line of merchandise.* Would you buy BR-branded
tyre levers?
Maybe one to start with. If they're agreeable I'll plump for all three
If you do then you've sold out and I'll delete the bookmark and never
visit again. And I'll be sad whenever I remember the way things used
to be
Not if they're blue * this is untrue
7.
If you like BR, why not write a testimonial?
Words mean so little. However, I will be happy to make a generous
donation of £ or $
to keep the wheels turning, providing you don't blow the money on
a fancy new 'office bike'.*
BikeReader... better than bananas" pretty well sums it up for
me, too
None of the vowels work on my keyboard, except 'y', sometimes
8.
Same as question 7, but concerning haiku
this time
indecisive pang / my words are my soul on fire / is BR worthy?
real haiku is art / not worrying about syl- / lables and making [them
fit]
I have a sneaking suspicion some of the haiku on that page were actually
written by BR staff using aliases
9.
We currently have a Boot
Bush page of links. Does such politicization bother you?
Hell no (we won't go)
I'll get back to you as soon as I receive my talking points memo concerning
bicycle sites with a liberal bias
I am actually an alien from another world, like prot from K-PAX, though
our people look more like Steve Buscemi than Kevin Spacey. I can confirm
that the American president George W. Bush is an alien himself, an
escaped convict from the planet Nimrod-12. He will be dealt with shortly
10.
BikeReader has gone more or less static. Does that bother you?
It is the way of all things
11.
So, have you done the End to End yet?
I have it penciled in for the 19th, 2pm sharp, the usual hotel
Oh, that end to end. You're referring to the famous British
tour from Land's End in southwest Cornwall to John O'Groats in northeast
Scotland. I understand there are hills involved. I don't do hills.
If you can find me a route without hills, I'll consider it
This question appears to be little more than a blatant plug for the
BR E2E page. If I'm right,
you'll even link to it
12.
In your humble opinion, do you think that cycling websites other than
BR should all be shut down to conserve valuable bandwidth?
By all means, except for the one by that American chap with the beard,
unless he's cut it off
And that other one, with the naked ladies
Yeah, that should do it, all the bases are covered
13.
If we invited reader contributions to the BR
Dictionary, would you submit an entry?
As a member in good standing of the etymological community, yes:
14. Have you ever used our Random
Index?
Gluconeogenesis. Lusus naturae. Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjöld.
Tarragon. No
I did once but it turned out to be a doorway into another dimension
populated by frog-people. Nothing wrong with frog-people per se,
but they've taken up residence in the garden and play their bongo
drums long into the night
15.
Have you ever told anybody about BikeReader, or is it a secret you
keep close to your heart?
I prefer a don't ask don't tell policy
Of course I tell everyone! It's just a shame I don't know anybody
I'll start by spamming my mother
16.
BikeReader is too esoteric and downright odd for its own good. Agree
or disagree
Agree
Disagree
Dag Hjalmar Agné Carl Hammarskjöld
17.
BR masterclass: Can you tell which stories the following extracts
come from?
"Long ago I was a doomsayer (but then, I'm always finding 'doom'
floating among the Alpha Bits, spelled backward on billboards, lurking
in the lyrics). But 'Marital Doom' turned out to be nothing more than
a deep drop-off that, once I'd learned the move, became an al dente
delight. Maybe that's why weddings are such thrilling spectator events.
Everyone wonders if there's going to be a crash or two down the road.
It's a risk, but all the big important stuff carries a risk."
"They are liquid, semi-visible goliaths that rage through the
streams and chunks of ordinary traffic, with the effervescent tendrils
of mile-long tails whipping behind them like Chinese dragons. Though
composed of hundreds of pounds of steel, glass and plastic, they are
able to pass through solid objects. They are bound by the laws of
the highway, but not by any conventional notion of time or space."
"I toppled off unceremoniously, striking my head against her
whalebone corset along the way. She was surprisingly unapologetic,
positing that not only had I insisted upon the garment which had just
gored me but that I was in some sense responsible: 'too much talking
and not enough pedalling' was how she unkindly put it whilst briskly
attending to my flesh wound. It then occurred to me that if only for
the sake of future generations of scientists my head be properly swaddled
in hardy materials." Answers here,
here,
and here
18.
We'll skip this one. Maybe we'll come back to it later
Fine. I have a few errands to run anyway
19.
Do you think we could've come up with a better name than 'BikeReader'?
1000 monkeys with 1000 typewriters trapped in a room for 1000 years
could've written any random edition of The
Sun,
and probably have, but BikeReader can't be improved upon by any primate
even given a flexible deadline
It's always struck me as being a little bit 'off'
BR is BR is BR. If the Gertrude Stein argument doesn't grab you, nothing
will. Speaking of Stein and monkeys, half a dozen reasonably bright
macaques could bash out Rooms over a bank holiday weekend
20.
Our 20 Questions cycle has become quite popular in some circles. Name
them
Green party candidates for Bush
Venn diagram groupies
Crop circles
bonus
question: 'The Camelot Edition' was actually about 460 days overdue.
Do you think that sort of shoddy work ethic typifies the quality of
the labour force today?
As long as it wasn't also £381 million over budget like the
new Scottish
parliament building,
I see no reason to dwell on the matter
Outsourced, was it?