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When Greenpeace Wins
What will they do next?

by Chip Haynes

Wednesday in downtown Clearwater is Farmers' Market Day. In all truth, we really don't have any farmers around here, so I'm guessing Drive Your SUV Downtown For Nothing Day just didn't catch on. Still, every Wednesday, the (brick) park next to our building is filled with tents and vendors and, yes, some produce stalls. Well, maybe two. Throw in some bad live music and it's an event.

Lately, it's become a bit more of an "event", as representatives for Greenpeace have taken to showing up in bright yellow polo shirts. Uh, guys? Yellow? Greenpeace? Well, at least they're easy to spot, if hard to avoid. They're friendly and sincere and reasonably well washed and all, it's just that I think they're about to run out of a cause. What will they do when they win? Will they go home?

I went the post office last Wednesday and thought I had the park to myself. The weekly event usually wrapped up by two or so, and everyone had packed up and gone. Everyone except you-know-who. The two lonely remaining yellow shirts converged on me like leeches on a reality show contestant. I didn't stand a chance. Then again, neither did they.

Would I join? Did I know? Had I seen? Was I aware? Oh, you have no idea. I tried to explain that they were about to win by default when it came to environmental issues on Planet Earth. I said it was going to be tough to go whaling in a row boat or to cut down the rain forest by hand. They smiled the smile of the entirely-too-happy, but they didn't get it.

I mentioned the decline rate of North Sea oil production; the rapid depletion of natural gas in North America; the fact that the Ghawar was filling with water. It didn't matter. Would like to sign up? No, but I'd be happy to send cash to the Earth Liberation Front, just to keep things stirred up a bit. Got their address?

What will environmentalists do when the whole focus of the human endeavor shifts from development to decline? The forests will be saved, the whales will be safe and pollution will slowly recede to a dim memory. Once the non-renewable resources of the world are depleted -- actually, once they are past their mid-point of production -- the Greenies win. The human impact on the Earth will begin to diminish and Mother Nature can breath a sigh of relief. Of course, some time not long after that, we may all be locked in some sort of battle for our very survival, but hey, the trees will be safe, and that's what really matters. No, really, it does. I'm not trying to be funny here. (Maybe just a little.)

I hope all of the environmental groups around the world appreciate how close we are to the good guys wining for a change. Sure, it's a default win, sort of. The oil runs out and the environment wins. But they did their part like everyone else: Driving to those meetings, driving to those rallies and events. Driving to Earth Day. Matter of fact, we're almost there. All that's left is for someone to have the courage to stand up and do that old Porky Pig bit: "Th-th-th-that's all, folks!"

Relax, Greenpeace, you won. No need to push it. You can chill out and maybe take the World Wildlife Fund out to dinner. Now who's up for bar-b-que? Anyone?

© Chip Haynes
The Wire Donkey No. 233

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